It's 3 in the morning, for God's sake. I mean, what? What the hell?
Boy, just go ahead and, like, kick whoever's ass that is.
Maybe not.
We'll see about that.
- Who is it? - It's Marco. Can I talk to you?
Could you come out here, please?
Yeah, what's up?
- What is up? - Nothing.
Well, good night.
Sir, come out here!
All right.
- What?! - Do you realize what time it is?
- Are those night-vision goggles? - Is that a hot tub?
I was trying to get the cat in the tub, but he's crazy. He hates it.
Oh, my God. Look at all this.
Whoa. Check it out, every Rush album ever.
Yeah. Caress of Steel. It's an import.
Captain? You know that's not a house cat. It's--
It's an ocelot.
Don't you need a license to keep endangered species?
Hey, anybody want a hot-fudge sundae? Hey, how about shaved ice? Kobe steak?
Where did you get all this stuff?
This place called "stores."
How did you afford it?
Man, wow. Okay, well, good luck paying it off, sir.
- All right. - Seriously. Did you get a good interest rate?
Maybe. Check over by the pipe organ.
There's crap over there I haven't even opened yet.
Let me explain how credit cards work...
What?!
You didn't tell me I had to pay them back for all that stuff.
No. Not exactly.
You exactly told me it was a magical-goodies creator. Remember?
- I may have. - So where the hell am I gonna get $108,000?
You could transfer the balance on your high-interest card to another one...
...that actually is a magical-goodies creator.
Okay. Really?
- Damn it.
But I got a better plan.
Better than magic?
As good. Here's the deal:
Look, I can't understand a word you're saying.
And the intelligence we have says that...
...the Viking is chock-full of Blackbeard's sunken treasure.
- So your mission is-- - What intelligence?
Sources. So you're gonna go load up the treasure...
...then bring it back here to me, for science.
I don't think there's pirate treasure in the Viking.
There's scads of it.
- Because she sank in 1944... - Gobs and gobs.
...and she wasn't Blackbeard's ship.
Even if there was treasure, that wreck's entirely unstable.
God, her timbers have to be rotted out by now.
And crawling with sharks.
Well, I hate it for you. Now, go get the treasure.
I think I speak for everyone...
-...when I say we're doing this under protest. - Fair enough.
And that charges will be filed if and when we return from this idiotic mission.
Whatever.
I'm gonna buy a bitchin' Camaro with my share of the booty.
There's no booty, idiot.
But they got intelligence.
- Unlike you. - Use your head, baby.
Stormy, how could a ship from World War ll have pirate treasure?
Why? When did pirates live?
Like, in the 1700s.
Were they Aztecs?
Can we just do this and get out of here, please?
This place gives me the creeps.
- Probably all the pirate ghosts. - Shut up!
Doomed to haunt a watery grave.
Shut up.
Sparks, you're a genius. Nice, crazy little genius.
- How's the search going? - Great. Going great.
Let me know the minute the treasure gets here. I'm starting to get bitchy phone calls.
- How do I look? - You look great.
- Well, I feel great. - Well, you look...
...great. You look great.
Hey, sign this for me?
Is it a credit-card application? Because that other one quit working.
Yeah. And this one gives you frequent-flyer miles.
Wait.
Do I have to pay it off?
- You'll have all that damn treasure. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, you think I'll turn into a jerk when I'm all crazy-rich?
Trust me, you don't have to worry about that.
Hey, thanks.
Come on, let's get this over with. The sharks are getting restless.
I got a bad feeling about this.
- You got a bad feeling about everything. - No, he's right. This place is totally spooky.
- Haunted by the ghosts of a million pirates. - Shut up!
Spooking everything in their ghostly path.
Shut up!
Let's just get up here in this big non-treasure-having bastard.
The booty.
We've come for the booty.
Check it out! I'm trying my ass off, and I can't crash this thing.
- Totally un-tip-over-able! - Awesome.
Hey, are they in the boat? Are they getting the treasure?
Yeah. Sackloads.
Hell, yeah! Let me hear! Give me some sound on that thing!
The feed's video-only.
Sealab, this is Quinn. Do you copy?
- Well, what do you know. - Quinn! How many sacks you got?
I gotta go check on something.
Is it all doubloons, or is there candlesticks and that crap?
As you can see from the camera, sir, there's no treasure.
Just a lot of skeletons.
Golden skeletons?
No. The regular kind.
You're not looking right. Hey, hey, check in the closets and stuff.
We've checked every deck.
And our tanks are running low.
No! No, no! Keep looking!
Sir, it's Al Capone's vault all over again. We're coming back.
No, no. Pirates, they're paranoid. They hide stuff. They're all crazy.
- Could be in their butts! - We're coming back.
I'll bet those damn skeletons are chock-full of gold! Bust a couple open!
We're not messing with those nasty old skeletons.
You're an ass.
- Wait, where's Stormy? - Who cares? Let's just go!
We can't leave him.
Yeah, go find him. And take some sacks.
- Where is that idiot? - heard that, hunk.
Stormy, where the hell are you?
I don't know. Near some wires.
Wires? What kind of wires?
Are they golden?
No, the regular kind.
They go from outside into this big box of dynamite.
- What? - Why is there dynamite down here?
Oh, damn!
Holy crap.
- They all get blown up? - Yeah. And so did the treasure.
Oh, man. I am royally screwed.
Don't sweat it. I'll pay your bill.
With what? Your stupid magic?
No.
I'm rich, skip.
Yeah, I had policies on all of them...
...double indemnity if they die doing underwater salvage.
That's 200 grand each.
What are the odds they'd die like that?
About 1-to-1, roughly.
I set it all up, skip.
Got you to run your credit card up so you'd send them looking for treasure in a wreck...
...stuffed with TNT so that I could blow them up and collect on the insurance.
Yeah, okay, stop. I'm all gibbered-up here.
But the important thing is:
You're gonna pay off my card, yeah?
You don't need to pay it off.
- How's that? - Because I've got one more policy.
Yours?
No.
Well...
...see you in hell, then.
Probably.
Hey, skip! Stop that! No, don't!
When you get there, tell them Murphy sent you!
Code Six, 105 North Avenue, 52.
So, what do you make of it there, Frank?
From all the champagne bottles, I'm thinking they were getting their courage up.
A final embrace...
-...then they chuck in the battery. - It's a double-duper.
- Apparently, the floater had a pile of debts... - What was the other angle?
...and what have you.
So they made a big bowl of dead-guy soup, huh? Boy, love hurts.
Got that right.
Hey. how's Doris doing?
Hey, fat and happy. Having a little girl.
Irish twins, huh? Glad to hear it, Joe.
Irish twins. Shut up.
So how's the lava bath treating you?
Oh, you know. Mind-blowing pain.
- Oh, yeah. - How's about you?
Ass full of red-hot coals.
- Ass full of red-hot coals. - Oh, yeah.
Your entire ass, just packed full of red-hot coals?
Right to the rim, baby.
- You lucky bastard. - Yeah.
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